How To Deal With The Emotional Rollercoaster Of Divorce

How To Deal With The Emotional Roller Coaster Of Divorce

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The emotional roller coaster of divorce can be hard to deal with. Your confidence and self-esteem can take a toll on your mental health. The good news is that it's completely normal, especially if you weren't the one to initiate the breakup.

You might feel like this is end, but it is absolutely NOT. It can be the beginning of something amazing. This is the opportunity to start fresh and build a new life for yourself and your family.

You may feel hopeless and sad right now because the pain of losing a life partner or your family can be immeasurable, however, it is totally possible to rebuild your life after divorce and come out happier and more at peace than ever before.

Here are ten things you can do to help you deal with your emotions:

1. Treat yourself occasionally

Sometimes during the divorce process it's easy to become all consumed in every little detail it can feel like an ongoing battle, emotional exhaustion. Taking the time out to give yourself a ‘yes day’ where you do all those self-indulgent things that have refused yourself of late.

This is one of the best ways of giving yourself a little mental boost. So, if you want to binge watch Netflix all day, go on a hike or spend all afternoon in the salon go for it! There are no rules just as long as it makes you smile and switch off.

2. Create a positive attitude

Divorce is tough but maintaining your mindset is key. Here are some quick ‘how to’ to help you focus on the good things.

A: Practise gratitude every day. Keep a gratitude journal of just 3-10 things you're grateful for.

B: Open yourself up to humour. Be around people that make you laugh.

C: Spend time with positive people, even if you are quite isolated, clean up your social media, follow ONLY positive people and hide those negative people.

D: Practise positive self-talk. When you hear yourself going into negative self-talk say STOP in your head and then choose again. Always choose positivity and a start every day on a positive note. Find a morning routine that makes you happy- meditation, reading, coffee outside, 5 minutes of YOU time.

All of these will help you maintain that positive attitude. Here is a grounding mindfulness technique to try at least once a day. Before you do- write down how you feel. Then lie down, close your eyes and focus on your breathing, in for 4 and out for 7.

Play some nice meditation music on your phone or follow an app. When you are done write down how you feel now. Notice that shift! The great thing is you can do this anytime you need.

3. Self-care Self-care routines don't have to be overwhelming.

They should just be about taking time each day at a time. Here are a few suggestions that you can do throughout the week to help encourage self-care time: Have a Digital detox- put your phone on ‘do not disturb’ for an hour.

Meal prepping

Plan for some of your favourite dinners to enjoy.

Decluttering your home

You will be amazed at how getting rid of clutter makes you feel so good.

Give yourself a facial

Treat your skin to something nice and calming.

Socialise

Meet up with a friend for coffee or wine, whatever your taste is! No matter what you want to do or how you want to do it, true self care is not all bath salts and chocolate cake. It's about making the choice to build a life you don't need to escape from.

4. Take care of your mental health

When you are going through a divorce one of the biggest gifts you can give yourself is to establish firm boundaries. Without healthy boundaries you may start to experience feelings of resentment, disappointment, inferiority and violation.

One way you can create boundaries is to regain your control for example take time to respond to emails or text messages don't reply straight away as that just rushes you into making decisions write the email out but save it as a draught go away for a while think about it then go back and reread it if you still feel that same way then send it if not rewrite it when your emotions are less heightened.

Note to self-choosing to walk away has nothing to do with weakness and everything to do with strength. It's also how you take your power back. When we go through a divorce, we often instantly become self-critical and can blame ourselves. Creating boundaries will protect your mental health is so many positive ways as it allows you more control and more time to be reflective.

5. Don’t be afraid to seek support

Are you suffering from the heartbreak that comes with divorce in silence? If you are you may well be making the experience far more isolating and painful. It doesn't have to be that way. Divorce is so stressful and difficult to deal with and no two divorces are the same. When you want to get over heart

You don't have to face this difficult situation alone and having people in your life who have your best interests at heart can be an integral part of moving on and letting go. Surround yourself with people who have your back and want only the very best for you.

This can help you get out of a funk and recognise that you have a lot in your life for which to be thankful.

6. Channel your energy into a project

Don't think too much but jot down a list of places you want to visit, new hobbies to try, movies you want to see, experiences you want to do. Keep this list on your phone or laptop so you can see it quickly. And remember to change it often so it reflects where you are right now.

Life is not over! Focus on your future after divorce. Where do you want to be? Who do you want to be with? What are you doing and what are your feeling? This is your opportunity to really think about what you want in your life. Don't be afraid to rewrite your story

7. Sleep helps your body and mind to function more succinctly.

Getting a good night's sleep can help you greatly whilst going through a divorce because it aids cognition and can ward off depression. A good night’s sleep has also been shown to help with problem solving skills and enhanced memory – two skills that will come in handy when dealing with a difficult ex.

Losing sleep also reduces your natural way of regulating your emotions. When you are tired you will have a harder time controlling your emotions and behaviours. So, now is a time to really prioritise your sleep. Try creating a more regular sleep routine.

Switch off your phone an hour before lights out, read a book and if you can, try to go to bed slightly earlier than you usually do. And enjoy that rest. It is especially needed when navigating a divorce.

8. Don't be afraid to cry

We tend to forget that with the trauma of separation and divorce we focus on the hurt and the injustice we want to understand so we go over the facts and the feelings over and over again, but this is not serving us in anyway.

Remember you're human! It's OK to have a meltdown. Just don't unpack and live there. Cry it out and then refocus on where you are heading. Remember you will come through this.

9. Diet and Exercise

After a separation or divorce you may feel ready to transform your life into one you've always dreamed of living. There is no better connection that with your exercise and nutrition. Investing in your health can be one of the best things you can do during and after a divorce.

If you're lacking motivation due to the emotional roller coaster you are on, just plan simple exercise into your day, for example, a 10-to-15-minute walk, outside, will really help you feel better. Fresh air can do wonders for our mindset too.

If you find yourself over or under eating, it’s no surprise. Divorce creates many changes in our life and ‘feeling out of control’ can be one of them. Planning your meals ahead can help you stay on track. Fuel your body right and it will help with your physical and emotional health.

10. Your future is yours for the taking

After your emotions are under control you can begin to look at what didn't work so you don't repeat the same mistakes. Try not to blame everything on your ex- remember you had a part to play. Have the courage to own up to that. Trust me, this will set you free.

Blaming and the martyr syndrome just keeps you in chains and prevents you from moving on. Forgive your ex even when it's hard. This has the added benefit of setting an excellent example for your children.

Figure out your likes and dislikes that you might have ignored while married. Have a love affair with yourself before looking for a new partner. People say you don't know what you had today it's gone but now I know what I had I'm at glad it's gone. And do you want to know the secret?

The best is yet to come! Hold onto that thought and never let go, it will help you through the storm. Never be afraid to start over, it's a chance to rebuild your life the way you want. Chances are your best kiss; your hardest laugh and your greatest day are still yet to come.

Going through divorce is one of the hardest things you'll ever do but it's not the end something magical is coming as one door closes behind you a new door opens right in front of you there is a chance for you to be reborn a chance to fall in love with yourself again a chance to become emotionally secure a chance to love your alone time a chance to discover who you really are a chance to be free and a chance to be unapologetically YOU. When things get tough remember to celebrate yourself you are worthy you are beautiful you are strong you are brave you are capable.

Written by Andrea Binks Divorce and coach.

PHOTO: FREEPIK PRISCILLA DU PREEZ JONATHAN BORBA SOMRUTHAI KEAWJAN

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Kate Daly is co-founder of amicable and host of the The Divorce Podcast. Kate created The Divorce Podcast to discuss and demystify divorce, separation and co-parenting in the UK. In each episode, Kate is joined by experts in their field to explore divorce and separation from every angle.