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lsn’t it just typical that when you think you are getting over your ex,something pops up to remind you of them when you least expect it and you realize that you cannot separate yourself completely? Being in a relationship means that you make memories that often get indelibly etched in your mind.
These memories include everything you’ve done together, every where you went, songs you listened to, things you laughed about (and cried about) and a whole host of other experiences that linger in the data bank of your mind.
So when you see his favourite magazine, smell her favourite perfume or hear that special song, you are immediately reminded of ‘them’ and then you get in your own way with thoughts that don’t always serve to help you move on if that’s what you are supposed to do.
No, its not exactly cordon blue cooking, but just making a pepper omelette can evoke certain memories and as I love omlettes, its pretty hard to erase them from my mind as I make one for breakfast every day.
I have tried making cheese omlettes and mushroom omelettes, just to vary it and I even went back to scrambled eggs, but eggs is eggs however you cook them!
For some reason, in the past week, every day when I turn on my computer, Iphoto has decided to present me with holiday photos and snaps that I would rather not see as I wake up (even though they are gorgeous and happy) because the person in them is not in my life right now. So what do you do?
Do you erase these reminders so you don’t have to see them?
The question is: do you really need to?
I would say that in the early days after a relationship ends, it’s a jolly good idea to take down the photos and put away the momentos that are going to upset you in any way. On the other hand, if your memories are good ones, even if that person is not part of your life right now, here is another perspective to try on for size.
How about being very very grateful for the good times you had and knowing that those memories were made for a reason?
Anything good that we experience in our life teaches us as much an important lesson as the negative stuff does. The good memories I have created, remind me of what’s important to me in relationship.
So I gratefully take all those good reminders and know that they give me discernment around what works for me and what doesn’t.
If I were to erase the photos (and do without the omlette!) what benefit would that be to me? I may not be in the relationship right now, but I can be thankful for the lessons I learned about what’s important to me.
Viktor Frankl, in his world famous book ‘Man’s Search for Meaning’ took this perspective to another level. I won’t go into the details of the book here but this quote is the kernel of the whole book.
To paraphrase, he said that ‘everything can be taken away from a person except how he chooses to react in any given moment’. We can choose to see our reminders as a loss, and as something we may never have again, or we can choose to see them as something else.
What we choose is entirely up to us and will define the quality of our feelings about that person and that time. Because all negative emotion is detrimental to your health, why add pain to a pain that may already be there?
Life has a strange way of working itself out and keeping an open heart about the good stuff can only attract good stuff back your way. It may or may not be in the shape of your ex partner, you may not want it to be, but I have found that keeping good memories around me always lifts my spirit in a positive way.
Take another look at your relationship reminders. Do what works for you regardless of the opinions of others. Eat omelettes, look at photos and know that you will never stop making new memories to add to your albums!
Written by Francine Kaye. Relationship Counsellor & Divorce Coach
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