How Do I know If I Am Experiencing Domestic Abuse?

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For many people it is not until they are out of their relationship that they start to recognise that the behaviours that made them feel uncomfortable, unsafe or unhappy were actually abuse.

It is difficult to recognise when you are in an abusive relationship because it creeps in slowly, your partner isn’t horrible all the time and the abuse becomes normal to you. You brush it off, make excuses, blame yourself and believe the lies you are told.

If you are questioning if your relationship is abusive here are just a few of the common tactics abusers use:

Physical Abuse

Bruising, biting, hitting, punching, pinching, hair pulling, forced/coerced sex.

Emotional Abuse

Put-downs, criticism, name calling, emails designed to cause you anxiety and stress.

Isolation

The more they can isolate you from other people, the more they control you. This can involve sabotaging planned contact with friends/family, preventing you from working, not keeping to child contact arrangements.

Excusing their Behaviour

Making excuses to justify their behaviour. They may occasionally admit they are at fault but this can be a false promise designed to manipulate you later on.

Using the Children as Weapons

Encouraging the children to join in abusing you, contradicting your parenting, trying to win favour with the children, using the children to question you or as an excuse to harass or pester you.

Taking Over

Taking complete control over the finances, dictating the rules, making threats or bullying to get their own way during divorce or with child contact.

Economic Abuse

Controlling all the finances, hiding money, withholding child maintenance, refusing to adhere to court orders, making you ask for money, scrutinising your spending in detail.

Find out the Facts

If you think this is happening to you there are lots of lawyers, divorce coaches, relationship coaches, domestic abuse organisations and financial advisors offering free advice at the moment.

Do your research safely, find out what your options are – you may be surprised how many options and help are available. You don’t have to put up with negative relationship abuse anymore. Don’t make hasty decisions Use this time during lockdown to get stronger.

Get some advice from a qualified divorce Coach specialising in domestic abuse or from your local domestic abuse organisation such as The Dash Charity https://www.thedashcharity.org.uk - they will be able to share some tips to help you get through this time safely.

If you are in danger

Call 999 – use the Silent Solution if you can’t talk, press 55 and you will be forwarded to an operator who will get help to you. Create a code word to use with older children or a trusted friend/family member which will alert them to call 999.

If you need to leave your abuser, even during Covid-19, you can, but get advice if you can first so you can do this safely. Domestic abuse can get worse initially after separation so get help from a professional, don’t try and manage it alone. www.caronkippingcoaching.com

Written by Caron Kipping. Speaker, Divorce and Sseparation coach.

PHOTO: EUROPEAN PARLIAMENT

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Kate Daly is co-founder of amicable and host of the The Divorce Podcast. Kate created The Divorce Podcast to discuss and demystify divorce, separation and co-parenting in the UK. In each episode, Kate is joined by experts in their field to explore divorce and separation from every angle.