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The Innocent Party. Do the Children Suffer? |
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We all strive to give our children the best start in life, to teach them to grow & develop into capable independent individuals. When divorce arrives at our door, this rational goal can be tested to its limits.
Whether you have been betrayed or have betrayed, whether you initiated the separation or fought against it, dreams of a life have been shattered & the pain haunts our minds tormenting every cell of our bodies but can we still achieve the goal for our children through this traumatic time.
The answer is it is not easy however with self reflection, determination & courage this can be achieved.
Understanding our Thoughts & Actions
Although the dark side of human nature not only survives but thrives on struggle, conflict and separation we trust & believe that this gives us strength in times of need. However if we allow this separation to take control of our true self, the power & force will take us over & we suffer because of it. Not only do we suffer our children the real innocent parties suffer, not knowing or understanding why this devastation is happening around them? It is vital to watch how our personality & reactions change when performing simple tasks & interactions. Inconsistent behaviour will only unsettle & confuse our children.
Projection & Blame
Our human nature will also want to find someone or something to blame & attach the pain to. This is not only self destructive but will encourage us to project blame onto individuals that our children love & trust. However painful & difficult this is, pay attention & choose your intention wisely, with every interaction you have not only with your children but you’re ex partner too. For example your children may hear you say something negative about your ex partner & then you may say in a different context “your just like your mother/father” without making the coloration of the negative comment & their understanding of your words.
Over Compensation
The feeling of guilt, anger, & bewilderment can cause us to over compensate with our children. This compensation comes from a place of love & makes us feel good however this is really a productive reward for our children or are we teaching them that they can play one parent off against another? On some level this action is to show love however in reality is it about receiving acknowledgement from children rather than the act of love?
Check in Every Day
This is an ongoing process, good & bad days. The key is to reflect & learn if a situation could have been handled in a more productive way, reflect and ask yourself, Why did I react this way? Could I have taken a step back & dealt with this situation differently? If YES, don’t beat yourself up just try again tomorrow. You’re not alone in this journey so treat yourself gently & keep moving forward.
PHOTO: DAVID CAMERER
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